Paus: Time to make some New Year's resolutions

2014-01-04T11:00:00Z Paus: Time to make some New Year's resolutionsCAROL PAUS Community columnist Chippewa Herald
January 04, 2014 11:00 am  • 

HOLCOMBE — My New Year’s resolution for 2013 was to survive the year and end the year upright and breathing. Mission accomplished. Now, to head into 2014 I suppose I must make new resolutions. Drat.

One would be to not drink orange juice after brushing my teeth. Blech. Have you ever done that? Nasty, nasty, nasty. I know somebody who brushes their teeth and then eats breakfast. What is the point of brushing one’s teeth BEFORE you eat?

I would really like to resolve to claim my pet as a dependent on my income taxes, but suspect Uncle Sam would have a problem with that. Her name is Eve, which could be a people name and Lord knows she costs about as much to support as a real kid.

It really is too bad we cannot get a monetary benefit from her in addition to unconditional love, kisses and snuggles. But, hey, that’s why we have pets, is it not?

One New Year’s resolution I will not make is to resolve to watch less television. I love to watch TV and have several shows I watch, re-runs and all.

Along those same lines I should resolve not to watch any scary movie before bed, as I am then wide awake the entire night. Holy cow! I don’t remember which movie I watched one night but I could not sleep after it was over. Tossed and turned like a ship sailing a rough sea. Of course I kept hearing noises all night as well, so that did not help much.

Mark was in the semi on the road so I finally got up about 2 in the morning and cleaned my house. Good thing it was the weekend because after that I was tired and went back to bed, sleeping until about 10 in the morning. Learned scary movies are good house-cleaning tools.

I really should make a resolution to lose weight, but it is a hopeless battle for me it seems. I joined a gym and usually go faithfully three or four times and sometimes more a week as my schedule allows.

I have been very ill since November and unable to go and I can almost feel my hips expanding. To decrease those will take some work, but I can increase my biceps by performing more reps of lifting Ding Dongs.

Maybe I should invent some sort of anti-gravity machine that will make me thinner. Or I could move to the equator where everything weighs less.

Probably won’t do anything that drastic, but once this new year begins I am on that gym like ugly on an ape. Will probably need copious amounts of pain reliever the first week or so back. Maybe I should buy stock in Bayer aspirin now, huh?

Another resolution for me is to read the manual for any new toy I may get. I am the proud new owner of a smart phone that I swear is smarter than me. I can’t even figure out how to delete an alarm I inadvertently put into the thing that rings at a very inappropriate time of day — when I am at work. I have no clue how I got the alarm in there to begin with and certainly don’t know how to delete it.

Maybe I should read the manual. What a novel idea! I’ll get right on that.

I should resolve to stay up longer at night instead of going to bed at 6:30 or 7 p.m. Yes, you heard me right. Sometimes, after I have been up since early morning I just want to lay down and be comfy to watch TV. If I go on the couch, the pooch won’t let me alone and keeps pestering me. When I go into the bed, she will lay right beside me and not move, and if I have an animal show on, will actually sit and watch the show.

So I get a double benefit; watch TV while comfy and the dog behaves. Problem is I fall asleep and miss my favorite shows. I usually wake up after the news is over and done and the late-night talk shows are in full swing. Not much on TV late at night that is worth watching after Jay Leno.

Happy New Year, everybody. May your year be filled with love, peace and happiness.

Carol Paus is retired from government work and now lives in Holcombe. She can be reached at

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